21 One-Sided Conversations You Have With Yourself On A Daily Basis

  1. No you can’t afford that. Put it down. It’s gimmicky and stupid and they’re making you pay extra because it’s fun. Don’t let advertising win.
    *Walks out of Shopper’s Drug Mart with the “Frozen” themed Elsa band-aids*

 

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2. When your visa is all racked up and they suggest you make the minimum payment:

“New number who dis”

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3. *Driving*

Shit, I almost fucking died.

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Wow, thank you universe for saving me.. I clearly am meant for bigger and better things. Just for that, I will be a better person… for like, an hour.

4. *Uber 1 of the Night – 8:00 PM* 

Me – “Hello sir how is your night going?”

*Uber 2 of the Night – 10:00 PM*

Me – “YAAAAS this is my radio station TURN IT UP.”

*Uber 3 of the Nighter – 2:04 AM*

*Sobbing* “… And then I moved to this new city *sniffs* and I don’t know annnnnnyone and now I’m living with two strangers from kijiji and I don’t have ANY money OR FRIENDS and-oh this is my house, yes out front’s fine. BYE! THANK YOU!”

Next morning

 “… I gotta stop telling my life story and hopes and dreams to the damn uber drivers. ”

5.  *Monday*

Me – “Buy yourself a coffee you deserve it. Start your week right.”

*Tuesday* 

Me – “You’re a bit tired today, buy yourself a coffee and you’ll perk right up.”

*Wednesday*

Me – *sighs* Need I say it?

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6. My phone never goes off, why does no one in the universe love me?

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*Phone buzzes*

“Ew how dare someone disturb me”

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7. *Singing in the car*

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“Oh damn. I am good at this.”

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“Columbia Records – watch out. Now do I want X-Tina or the dude from Maroon 5 as my coach?”

8. “Why does everyone want to buy their coffee right now?”

“Why does everyone want to buy their groceries right now?”

“Why does everyone else want to watch the game here?”

“Why is everyone using their internet right now?”

“Why is everyone else calling Bell right now.”

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9. “Why is that baby crying? I am never having kids”

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*Family with a cute baby walks by* 

“I NEED TO BORROW YOUR BABY FOR AN HOUR. ALSO, I’M GETTING A DOG”

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10. *Pouring Cream Into Coffee*

“…Little more. Yuuuuup little more. Yup. Yup that is, officially too much.”

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11. “…Huh. Since when am I attracted to guys still in University AND hot dads. Oh, he spoke, never-mind.”

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12. “Why am I sexually frustrated by my Prime Minister?”

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13. “Nickelback IS alright.. fuck it.. I’m not afraid to say it. Don’t care who knows it.”

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14. “Am even a registered adult?”

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15. “It’s just one bowl of pasta no you won’t get fat from it.”

“Add some cheese.”

“…Butter.”

*Repeats every day of the week*

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16. “One day when I have my millions, I am going to buy 5 of those ____(sweaters/sunglasses/jackets/puppies)____ in every colour!”

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17. “When are we going to have Fridays off permanently? Is this even on the table for legislators? Do they not realize we have to book a vacation day to get those Doctor, Dentist, Banking–ANYTHING that requires an appointment really—visits taken care of. So what do you do? YOU DON’T GO.”

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18.”Why do I have to choose between dinner or going to the gym? Why do we live like this?! We should take a lesson from the dogs. They seem to have that figured out. They have a permanent servant who looks after their every whim, and you better believe they’re not rushing off anywhere unless it’s towards the XL bag of ruffles that’s being cracked open in the next room.”

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“In my next life, I want to be Oprah–NO Beyonce’s dog.”

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19. “Utterly shocked that I haven’t been discovered yet for __(insert talent that I don’t have here)__. Just kidding, this was all for fun to teach you humbleness, you’re really Jay Z’s daughter that he put up for adoption.”

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“Kailey you’re white.”

“Semantics.”

20. “I will honestly be in this same position for the rest of my life. Career advancement – LAWL you need to be bilingual, have 5 years experience as a Navy Seal, have worked as an intern for free for 3 years at a top PR firm while Daddy paid for your new Steve Mads and gluten-free pasta.”

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21. “If I think about the shape I want to be in hard enough… my body will probably just figure it out.”

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