Beer Flavoured Nipples Are My Only Chance At A Holiday Date: Ho, Ho, Ho & A Bottle of Rum

It’s the holiday season – AKA time for Hallmark to make every person that is NOT in a relationship frequent LCBO shoppers.

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It’s the season of couples. It is single girl HELL. Get out your couple spray it’s infectious.

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It’s actually couples season for like, the next 4 months. What ever could I be talking about?

We’re talking November – company Christmas parties. December – MORE Christmas parties. Then WHAM Christmas EVE, CHRISTMAS, NEW YEARS, the land of mistletoe and…

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Suddenly, just when you think that you’re out of the woods..

The big ole Vday.

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Eat your feelings and move on. The only reason I look forward to Valentine’s Day is for those hysterical cards you used to get from the boy you hoped secretly liked you, but really his mom made him buy cards for the whole class. So you read into the message on the card you assumed he specially picked out for you, decoding every syllable looking for hints of, “I’m secretly in love with you, you’re the prettiest in the class but don’t tell my steady girlfriend”.

Instead, you get to look forward to a card & chocolate from your brother’s girlfriend who is aware year after year, you could use a Snoopy themed card.

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In summary:

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So back to Christmas.

I, of course, do not have a date to bring to any holiday functions. Starting WITH, the work Christmas party.

Last year, I brought my brother’s girlfriend, which altogether confused everyone.

So this year, when friends/family suggest I bring her again, or I bring a guy friend…

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I think that I can get my own date ladies and gentleman.

TO THE INTERNET.

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My Tinder bio:

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Swipin’ to not spend the next 4 months without a date.

Left for losers, right for Mr. Right. OR, in my case, right for:

You could possibly be good looking maybe, your bio made me laugh, I want you to introduce me to the hot friend in your pictures – oh he’s your brother?

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Swipe swipe swipe.

Swipe s’more, gettin in the groove like:

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Finally you take a chance on someone – and by take a chance you noticed the hint of a diamond earring on his left ear and thought .. nooooo…. maybe he’s not a creepy self-absorbed weirdo because he chose to .. do that… mhmm.. not an earring girl but trying to be open minded..

He messages you something like:

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Mhmm.

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I’ve heard tinder jokes SO BAD, I’ve actually come to question my own sexual orientation. Am I asexual? Possibly.

I hate when boys say let’s chill? What the fuck is chill?

Boy: Haha we should chill.

Man: I’d love to take you out for dinner sometime.

The fuck  …  is chill. Take me on a date. I like ice cream. I like live music. Let’s go on an adventure… not an adventure to your parent’s basement exploring your Netlfix selection.

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Ewwwwwwwwww you want to watch Blue Mountain State for the next FOUR hours?

I don’t particularly want to get to know you much further, let alone waste the next four hours of my Wednesday night making small talk on these hideous sheets you stole from your mom’s linen closet.

Goodbye sir.

Here’s a snoopy card and some chocolates for your trouble.

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I told you I was mean.

I know what you’re thinking…

Maybe the problem isn’t these losers you keep going on dates with, maybe they aren’t losers after all, maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store, maybe Christmas, perhaps… means a little bit more! No seriously girl you sound like a stuck up whiny bitch and I’m going to stop reading your whiny ass blog.

You’re half right. I’m a cynical ass with remarkably high standards.

I’m upfront about that. I’m shopping for Mark Wahlberg in Planet of the Apes.. not Wahlberg in Ted, and especially not Marky Mark the underwear model (male models LIVE and BREATHE on Tinder).

I refuse to date someone prettier than me. Hotter than me, I can handle, prettier, no.

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But Kailey, you sound like you’re not shopping at all, you sound like you’ve actually just given up on dating and get a bigger thrill about making fun of all of your prospects, which is actually really mean.

Yes, but I follow it up with an insult about myself so that makes it okay.

Besides, I’m just trying to figure out why the dating pool is actually a fish bowl in a whisky drunk frat boy’s dirty bathroom..

…why is that..

Me in the dating fish bowl:

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GUYS HELP THIS IS A METAPHOR ABOUT BEING TRAPPED IN A TINY DATING FISH BOWL GOING IN CIRCLES WHILE A SAD JUDGY DOG WATCHES.

It’s not my fault that these are my prospects:

GYM GUY:

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I DON’T SHOW MY NIPPLES AT THE GYM WHY ARE YOU ??????

YOU NEED TO STOP.

He walks around strutting like a peacock with his dick hanging low like:

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I CAN’T EVEN STAND TO BE IN THE VICINITY OF YOUR GRUNTING POINTY NIPPLES HERE’S $100 CONSIDER IT AN INVESTMENT TO A GYM MEMBERSHIP IN YOUR GRANDMA’S BASEMENT GOODBYE SIR.

They walk around SHOUTING to each other, because all meatheads are friends, yes ma’am.

“YOOOO JACE I almost forgot my pre-workout so I had to turn around and now I’m feelin’ JACKED”.

“Hahah broooooo dece traps you’re making serious GAINS”.

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Dear GOD no.

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STOP THE PLANET, I WANT TO GET OFF!

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Back to my prospects:

People that come on too strong and do not understand the meaning of personal space:

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DO NOT TOUCH MY ARM WE ARE NOT ON THAT LEVEL UNLESS YOU ARE DREAMY AS HELL.

Followed by the guy friend who always gets a little too handsy, but you don’t mind because he’s completely sweet and makes you laugh:

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You can’t make that work though. It’s too easy.

You like seeing him in clothes ON environments.

Your other prospects?

Nice guys who absolutely are THRILLED about every aspect of your day from the poppyseed stuck in your teeth, to your one hour bubble bath.

Everything you talk about is an enticing subject that he would like to weigh in on:

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But your heart?

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There’s a lineup of Tinder guys asking when you’re going to agree to go on a date with them…

Don’t take it as flattery though, they don’t actually like you. They don’t give a single fuck.

They saw a photo and feel the need to comment on your ass.

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Which, you take great pride in and respond with, “Yeah I know so?”.

We know what they want, my response:

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Then it’s worrisome when they do actually care and keep coming back..

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I assure you no, no I do not.

Sometimes it’s nice, sometimes it’s creepy.

When that creepy guy messages you even though you’ve ignored his last six messages:

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Then a lot of the time the prospect list is zero.

Phone not buzzing. Snapchat not chatting. Tinder not .. flaming?

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That’s when you realize you took all of the mediocre ones for granted.

You’re the problem.

Your friends say something witty like:

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I wasn’t, BUT NOW I AM.

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Then you’re like really desperate.

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NOPE don’t do that!

HELL NOPE.

Don’t get down on yourself, you’re smart, hot, funny, and don’t you forget it!

So, the only people who seem to notice that, who would have been worth your time, have girlfriends.

WHAT is THAT about.

Why do head turning guys with girlfriends have to go adding you on SNAPCHAT.

What are WE going to snap about?

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Whatchu want from meeeeeeeeeeee???????

I’ll make you laugh and be your friend, but eventually someone as hot as you snapping ME is just CRUEL.

What am I gonna take a picture of? :

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With every snap all I’m thinking is:

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Hi, I love you?

I decided we should live on a street called Cedar Lane, with a wrap around porch, and I’ll take up Scentsy candle selling for extra income, and you’ll coach our son’s hockey team.

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.. You’re not into that?

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PLEEEEEEEASE PLEASE I don’t ask for much, just for this pretty boy to stop confusing me because I have already investigated his Facebook page and while it does not say, “In a relationship” there seems to be some photos lingering of him and his ex.

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My detective stalker girl skills have led me to dismantle this fairy tale as I have deduced: YOU SIR are an ass with a girlfriend.

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Back to stalking handsome Beard guy at the gym. GOOD DAY SIR.

I SAID GOOD DAY.

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I liked dreamy, mysterious, beard guy better anyway than your sorry perfect Prince Eric features.

HE I have a chance with.

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He loves me.

He however, will not come talk to me because I’m awkward as HELL.

For some reason, I carry this bitch face around.

When I see a hot guy, I scowl and look away.

Kinda scratch my head, like no, I didn’t notice I was in sexy smirk’s presence…

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Even if he did talk to me, I would probably just tell him that I like the parts of his face.. that are covered in skin…

Whatever, when he DOES talk to me:

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Tinderella out.

-Kails.

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