Am I Crying or Laughing or Singing Alanis Morissette: Daily Highs & Lows

I’ve been a ball of stress lately combined with the happiest I’ver ever been… what in the world am I talking about..?

This is how much my emotions change in the span of one day:

My alarm clock goes off and I am filled with immense stand in front of a bus sadness:

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Which turns to immediate anger:

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This is, of course, a metaphorical meme as I am saying, “Bitch, it is 5:30” to my alarm clock. Not the love of my life beside me. We cool? We cool.

Then I proceed to probably not shower as I pressed snooze for the last oooh, hour or so.

Pull myself together by putting on some makeup and admiring my transition from dragon to khaleesi.

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Then I start to gain some self confidence and feel slightly better.

My two things to drag that smile out of my body in the morning: Food & Caffeine.

I make 2 teas and 2 slices of toast. If I didn’t make the world’s worst cup of coffee, that’d be cup numero three. Trez. Trez is three in spanish right? Uno, dois (dose?), trez?

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I rush out to my car because I am later than I wanted to be yet again (why am I always rushing everywhere???).

Switch back and forth from FM to satellite radio to find the perfect karaoke opportunity.

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So. Fucking. Happy.

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Then some angry breakup song comes on and I become all passionate and shit even though I feel like an emotionless shell. I start singing and dancing at the top of my lungs:

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Yes. I am still driving.

Pulling up to the car at the red light beside me lookin’ over like:

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Damn I’m awesome.

Feelin’ fucking incredible like it’s me against the world and I am RUNNIN THIS SHIT.

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Much better.

Roll up to the station.

Still a little sleepy. I think the No People Until Coffee rule is a safe one for all parties involved.

There’s always that one morning person in the office:

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But we’re here, we’re smiling. I go sit at my desk from 8-6. Crank the music.

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Then.. I lose that caffeine jump.

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HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND HOW ARE YOUR KIDS I SAW THAT THING YOUR KID DID ON FACEBOOK OMG SO CUTE.

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What’s that Carol? You need that today?

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Oh your email is broken? I’m the youngest in the office let’s nominate me to remedy that situation for you:

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In boardroom meetings, our bosses like us to go around the room and each say something great that’s going on in our lives that is non-work related.

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Coming from someone without a boyfriend or my own family this can sometimes be challenging when the positive things in my life… compared to that of my coworkers lives…. ever so slight differences.

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Carol’s all well I just got a new grandchild!!

Pam just got ENGAGED. Ooh pretty ring.

John just moved his son to college!

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Fuck fuck fuck it’s coming to me. Ok ok recap, drank wine with friends (by myself) typical weekend… ummmm got faster on the treadmill…. ummmmm finally tracked down a friend of a friend who knows a GIRL GUIDE and got my hands on THREE boxes of the elusive MINT chocolate CHIP COOKIES!!! You don’t just know someone who knows a girl guide who can get you anything less than that, “ma’am we only have chocolate or vanilla” bullshit.

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OK none of that is shareable with the group. SHIT it’s almost at me ummmmmm..

I uh, …. I had a great weekend watching netflix in my onesie ok? No don’t feel bad for me:

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Moments like this one were a wakeup call.

I refuse to let myself be completely uninteresting.

There was a few weeks there where I gained some weight, from all of my stress snacking…

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Looking good and feeling good ceased to be a thing. I decided I had to start whipping my ass into SHAPE. DO WORK.

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I am all about that chicken and rice lifffffffffffe. oooooh GIRL ya I know about kale.

I kid you not, I ate salad for an entire week.

Bought a gym membership…. and USED said purchased gym membership, shit was craazy.

SO NOW when I’m having one of those low days, I hop in my car and drag my unwilling dead lifeless body to said GYM also known as the, “Meat Market”.

SO. Jump in my car. Music up.

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dee dee dee so happy… and READY!

Parking lot is bursting, great.

Enter gym stage left.

Already feeling like I need a mask to breathe the smog of people’s sweat and cheap cologne.

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Alright alright let’s go. Motivated Kailey’s like: Treadmill. Now. You got this.

Actual Kailey’s like:

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Grab the furthest treadmill from human life. Headphones in. Eminem has me sprinting LINES.

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Nailed that. Almost fall over and collect myself. Ok maybe I will go to some mats (aka catch my breath and check my phone for a sec) and also make up some exercises that I’m probably doing completely wrong.

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It’s a thing ok.

I can only look useless for so long before I’m like, weight area… be brave and enter the meathead smog, hopefully your skin won’t turn inside out.

Casuuuuuually grab the 15 pounders.. I know boys I be packin’. Walk myself to the furthest corner from the grunting animals.

Annnnnnnnnnd go.

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hahahahah guys I was just kidding, no I, haha that was a practice motion, just thought I’d try out that new move .. I saw….

Ok stick to what you know girl stick to what you know.

All of a sudden, the weight area starts getting incredibly crowded, you feel like any pause you make, vin diesel’s uglier lookalike is ready to pounce on your zone.
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BACK UP BOYS BACK UP.

I really really want me a Mark Whalberg but these guys, no no no no no.

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and that deeply frightens me.

Crap. Out of ideas. Man my phone is just lighting up these imaginary texts are just so interesting right now.

Casually look around for something to do:

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Yep we’re done here.

Successful workout wow.
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That’s my Mon-Friday grind in a nutshell.

Weekends are more like, no I can’t hangout
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followed by:
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and finally, who wants to be drunk out of their treeeeee?
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Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So, in a nutshell, when life tries to hand you lemons, ask for salt and tequila.
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Cheers,

Kails

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