When You Speak My Brain Hurts & Other Twenty Something Dating Horrors

As most girls in their mid twenties probably know, dating can be quite the swing and a miss.

You go on a blind date – he’s balding or crazy.

In the interest of not being alone, you think, hmm maybe I could date a _____ (bald man) (french man) (ugly man) (fat man) (small man) (ginger man) (gingerbread man).

You don’t go on a blind date – you watch a sad, terrible, Katherine Heigl movie that makes you wonder why she meets doctors and Irish men every other film.

It’s not something you need, so you’re kind of whatever about the whole thing and are pretty okay with being alone and selfish.

Every once in a while, you’ll see a gorgeous guy… who can’t form a complete sentence. Friends encourage you to just go for it, he’s a nice guy:

So you spend a lot of time with girlfriends (or alone – my favourite).

It’s very important to invest in a handful of single girlfriends, because you know you’re going to lose a few soldiers to the other team.

For instance, I often find myself in conversations in which my girlfriends go on and on about their boyfriends and turn to me: Soooo.. anything going on in your love life? 🙂

Oh yeah met this great guy, he plays hockey, rugby, has a degree, has picked up a book at one time in his life..

Girlfriends: GREAT, DOUBLE DATES???

ME:

Fine. Maybe I should give someone a chance once in a while. However my only prospects seem to be coming from Tinder, and we all know how that goes..

When a guy you met on tinder asks you to meet them for a beer:

First off, let me start this off by saying if I’m going to risk 2 hours out of my day/weekday evening to go on a date with you, there better be food and/or a cold beer:

I will pay for the entire date, as long as I get me some nachos.

I’m not even there for you anymore, I’m there because all of my friends were busy and I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and cheesy nachos at a bar taste better than when I make them my damn self.

Eventually you cave and go on a date with some meat head bad boy you have zero interest in. Or, maybe he’s a nice guy, a really REALLY nice guy. He opens doors, he’s genetically perfect, however it’s the same problem:

So back to the ol’ Tinder grounds.

So… you’re trying to be interested in someone new, so that every time your phone buzzes and reads, “Mom” your entire self confidence isn’t destroyed time and time again. YAY someone thought of me. Nope fuck just that woman that birthed me wants to know if I’m hungry. “Yes, chicken fingers sound delightful”.

So you give a new conversation a chance.

He starts it off by telling you how well traveled and educated he is and you realize that he has so much more going for him than you do:

Bored. Back to the swiping game.

There’s this new thing called the super like, which I like to call the, “fuck I pressed it again” button. I spend my time accidentally super-liking every man with a No-Ragrets neck tattoo and panicking: UNMATCH UNMATCH “well hello beautiful”. FUCK. like:

SWIPE AGAIN TINDERELLA.

When a hot guy doesn’t message me back on tinder:

aint even mad
It’s fine. I was bored of you already.

So you lower your standards a bit just to have someone to pass the texting time with, and chat with that nice gym rat you previously cut ties with. Oh right, all they do is talk about their gym & diet routine:

NOBODY CARES THAT YOU’RE MEAL PREPPING OLD MCDONALD’S ENTIRE CHICKEN COOP.

Also, quinoia, what’s up with that?

When someone isn’t interested in conversation with me even though I have made zero effort:

Even me ignoring you is cute as HELL.

No I’m not f**king perfect, I just think someone should worship me anyways – to an extent, a non-annoying measurable love of me and all things me.

THE DREAM.

However anyone that was previously interested me and becomes re-interested in me all I can think is:

I’ve accepted my cat filled future, and yes I’d rather do that then send “Lol” to every attempt at being funny you make. This isn’t me being mean, you don’t like me either, lets not waste both of our time here.

Honestly probably Pacha. Thanks for lookin’ out.

I can’t help it that all I wanna do is eat my frosted mini wheats by my-damn-self.


Until someone is ready to accept me for my love of all snacks, rom coms, disney movies, AND knows more about Game of Thrones than I do, I’m just not ready to enter the dating arena.

Lets be honest, hanging out with my mom and my poodle every night with a glass of wine doesn’t exactly scream WIFE me, but who wants to be someone’s wife anyway? If your name is Leo DiCaprio or Will Smith then I actually do, immediately.

Some girls just happened to find their Will before I did, so yes that gives me a right to be a cynical asshole about the entire process- go back to your Pinterest account and mind ya business (YES I wish I could make mason jars look that damn cool but I can’t so I’m just going to make fun of you for it).

YES I also want his and her watches of COURSE I do, but until Dallas Smith starts replying to my insta-stalker comments on his account, the entire thing disgusts me. Just give me that for now, please.

YES I want a chalk board in all my instagram photos counting down the days to something, or celebrating some special occasion however nothing comes to mind except 9 days since I ate the entire pot of pasta.

I’m not desperate for any old relationship, I want that top of the line, unicorn shit.

Take a lesson from he’s just not that into you and move on with your life!


I kind of use this as a test.. if you won’t come rescue me at 3 AM when my car breaks down on the side of the road do I really want to invest any time with you? No. No I do not.

Eventually, you’ll finally start making moves forward with someone. Which, c’mon, is a tad overwhelming. I know I said I wanted you to like me but I didn’t say go all Ryan Gosling and write me 364 letters for every day I did not answer… yikes:

Never text me again.

Phew, dodged a bullet there.

I spent my entire Saturday night watching the 1D documentary and have moved on to bigger and better dreams:

Harry-fucking-Styles:

Yeah right. Any man I actually would set my sites on dating, I suddenly have nothing to offer.

Someone at work told me I was, “like, one of the cool kids” the other day and I nearly snorted chocolate milk all over my game of thrones themed computer background while my autographed picture of Tyler Shaw smirked down at me.

Please tell that to all your attractive man friends because all I’m attractin’ are 30-40 year olds at an irish pub after work.

You have that split second where you’re like COULD I date someone 35, then your brain kicks in like

Pump the brakes, get away from me.

and if you’re not into all of these things (I will spare you the awful yet applicable Marilyn Monroe quote),

You’re either wrong and I hate you, or I’m just trying to make myself feel better because I look like Spanky with a little girl’s wig on (with an attitude like him too):

Cheers,

Kailey May.

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